So last night there was a spider the size of Texas RIGHT above my BED. I tried to kill it (normally I'm not the killing type, but this fucker was hairy, big, and damn creepy and near my BED for chrissakes) and it escaped. I tried again and I lost track of the fucker, which means it was SOMEWHERE UNIDENTIFIABLE but extremely close to my PILLOW where i put my FACE at night. I freaked, freaked, freaked out. I hate to be that big of a wuss, but i really just don't handle spiders well. at. all. I looked all over for it, under my bed, in the sheets, yada yada, couldn't find it anywhere. And so my night of peaceful slumber was totally shot by an eight-legged enemy.
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So, restlessly fidgeting and tossing and turning and freaking out every time I felt the slightest movement which inevitably turned out to be only in my head or maybe my own leg twitching in anxiety or something, I started thinking (after shaking out my sheets three times and re-making my bed so my head was at the foot of the bed so at least now the spider would be biting my feet in my sleep rather than my face) and I got to pondering how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to come kill the spider for me, or whose bed I could go crawl into and be assured of an arachnid-free night of sleep and then some.
Because the last guy I dated, well, he was pretty cool and all, and he probably woulda killed that spider like ten fold if I'd asked him to - but probably only if he were already over at my place when I found it, or alternately if the spider was at his place. He wasn't really the type to come all the way over just to kill it for me in a ridiculously overblown act of Discovery-Channel chivalry. And that's kinda what I would have needed to get a good night's sleep after such a trauma. And sure, he woulda let me just come crash at his place no problem, but he had this dog... and while I totally loved the dog and thought the world of her, she did have this occasional flea problem, as dogs are prone to having, so shacking up at his place for the night meant getting bitten all over by fleas. Which is only marginally better than sleeping with spiders, ya know?
So now, in my sleep-deprived state the next day, I've resolved to look for that great boyfriend-material guy who, even though he's probably totally just as wigged out by creepy crawlies as me, will pretend to be all macho and come fucking kill them violently for me, at my place if need be, despite the inconvenience of having to leave home at 11 pm on a weeknight, just to put my mind at ease, because that's just how great of a guy he is - or alternately, who will at least lie convincingly to me if he missed and let the spider get away like I did, and convince me he killed it and all, so it'll put my mind at ease so I can get some fucking rest already, and who'd maybe stay the night anyway just to make sure I really am okay from that trauma, because I had nightmares about spiders ALL NIGHT LONG and I'd rather have a nice comfy spider-slayer to snuggle up to all night long, ya know?
And don't get me wrong, it's cool if you have pets, you just sometimes have to do those flea-bath things if you want me to stay over at your place. Don't worry, I have bathed dogs before and survived, so I'll help you. In exchange for you killing my spiders.
So if you think this could work out, drop me a line. And please if anyone sends me pictures of spiders, dead or alive, so help me god i will track you down by your IP address and release mexican tarantula eggs on your doorstep because that is NOT COOL dude, i had enough of a scare already. And in case you think that's an empty threat, I could totally get mexican tarantula eggs or something equally scary and vengeful on e-bay or something. I fucking love the internet. so don't mess with me, man.
Anyway. Wow. hope that last part didn't deter any really cool guys. Ah well, that's the price i have to pay for a clean inbox i guess. oh yeah, speaking of, no cock pics, that's just dumb. You have to kill at least three spiders before we get it on so just take it easy buster.
Oh yeah and if anyone brings a spider to kill on the first date you are so never getting any. Just want to be really clear on that.
And if you ever, ever take me to a restaurant that's all "exotic" and whatnot and try to get me to eat anything with more than four legs (seafood notwithstanding) we are breaking up. Just for the record.