To my dear next-door neighbor,
QR Code Link to This Post
I cannot urge you strongly enough to invest in some curtains for your basement windows. I realize that my (female) roommates and I just moved in recently to the house next to you, and that the prior (male) tenants may not have been particularly bothered by your lack of subterranean window coverings. I realize, too, that during most of the week this is a non-issue, as your garbage cans nicely obscure the (ahem) view into your basement. However: please bear in mind that Friday is garbage day, and thus those delightfully opaque receptacles must be removed and placed out on the street for our friendly neighborhood sanitization expert to conduct his business with, thus rendering the view from the window above our kitchen sink with a clear shot into your basement, where I can only assume you keep your washer and dryer.
Now, on the subject of nudity, I am no prude. I actually grew up in something of a nudist colony myself. I regularly frequent a nude hot springs resort with my family. Both sides of my clan, the uptight Brits along with the proper Southerners, are uncharacteristically fanatical about nudity. We're talking, to the point of probably freaking out some family therapist folks, but hey, we are what we are. And were I not now living with two other women and one canine in a frigidly cold house (note to roomies - can we fix the leak in the oil main soon so we can turn on the heat?), I just might be tempted to wander around my house doing whatever odd housework and chores in the buff. That is, WERE IT NOT FOR THE GLARING ABSENCE OF CURTAINS ON MOST OF OUR WINDOWS. My point being, far be it from me to question the idea of doing housework in the buff - but please, good neighbor, DO keep the curtain issue in mind.
See, normally I wouldn't even care if I'd happened upon a view of a nekkid neighbor. I'd be like, meh, it's all good, I like to be nekkid too, I get it, and I often need to do laundry in my basement too, and I often do it at weird hours when everyone else in the house is asleep too - but see, here's the thing. Your nekkidness affects those around you, and you therefore have a responsibility to both your family and your community at large to keep your nekkidness in check. And I must bring to your attention, dear neighbor, that last Friday morning your nekkidness was anything but in check. I in no way meant to witness what I did. I also in no way meant to lean over to get a better view. That was a terrible horrible subconscious no good very bad thing I did. It was entirely reflexive. I didn’t mean to do it. I couldn’t help myself.
For you see, dear neighbor, you are HOT. And I don't mean like, oh, that guy is mildly attractive hot. I realize you are not from this country and therefore may be unfamiliar with this term, but 'round these parts to us 20-something ladies, you are what is known as a D.I.L.F. This is an extreme and dangerous variety of hotness that must be treated with utmost caution and respect. You are handsome, tall, sexy, masculine, you smell good, your voice is deep and sexy, you're clearly a great dad and husband - and thanks to last Friday's encounter, I know also know you to be of a chiseled and muscular physique and fairly well-endowed to boot. (I'm sorry I looked; I'm sorry). If all Canadians looked like you, you’d never see me on this side of the border again, eh?
You have a lovely wife who is very friendly and chatty with me, and two angelic kids whose adorable conversations I enjoy every time I see them. I will buy Girl Scout cookies from them when they grow older (you may not catch this reference either, but trust me, you'll thank me when the time comes). I will baby-sit the next time your wife asks, as she has hinted at such many times. I see your adorable freaking family almost every time I enter or exit my house. Please understand, good neighbor, I cannot maintain a friendly and cordial, nay, NEIGHBORLY, attitude, if you insist on performing your perfunctory household chores in the buff, when it's dark out and with a light on inside your basement, with no curtains, when it is garbage day.
The ramifications of your continued nekkidness sans curtainry are copious. For the love of God, I don't trust myself not to lurk by my kitchen sink and wait to catch a glimpse of your hot nekkid ass every goddamn Friday morning until I'm eventually discovered and evicted for sexual harrassment. I plan on residing in this house for at least the next 7-8 years, or however long it takes me to apply to, become accepted at, and finish the work of, my intended graduate degree (think about it - that's a LOT of Girl Scout cookies and easy-access baby-sitting over the next several years). If you continue to flaunt your hot nekkid body in front of my kitchen window on a weekly basis, I will never again be able to borrow your power drill or babysit or buy cookies or even say a friendly hello without blushing, because I saw you nekkid and I liked it.
I already feel hideously embarrassed, ashamed, and still somehow turned on by the events of last Friday morning. I do not wish to be a homewrecker (or wannabe homewrecker, as you two seem to be a sincerely adorable and well-matched couple) but I have serious concerns about my own ability to exercise restraint, due to your aforementioned D.I.L.F. status. As it is I've blushed profusely every time I've seen you since the "encounter" - and I am NOT a blusher. Eventually I’m going to need to borrow some other stupid shit from your household (btw thanks for the cookie sheets, broom, drill, whatever else you’ve loaned us – you guys really made moving in much easier) and I’d like to be able to do it without collapsing in a blushing gibberish-spewing pile of giggles like some 13-year-old girl at an N’Sync concert (don’t ask; you’re lucky if you don’t catch this cultural reference either, trust me). For the love of God, I’m a grown woman and I’d like to be able to continue acting as such.
So please understand, I like your wife and kids and I like my house and I like not being in jail for attempted sexual assault. Buy some damn curtains for your basement windows already - if you don't then I will, and judging from the furnishings and decorations in your house that I can see from my other windows, you have more money and possibly better taste than I do, so you might want to seriously consider your options here. You have until October fifteenth.
Your Next Door Neighbor (still blushing)